Thursday, November 3, 2016

New Resident Orientation Booklet for the Arkham Homeowners' Association

The following in tribute to H.P. Lovecraft and his worlds, inspired by the sanctimony of American homeowners' associations.  Ia, Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!



The Welcome and Sunshine Committee welcomes you to Arkham!  Please take a moment to read, and then go mad with horror, the following revised new resident orientation booklet!

I. Introduction 
    The mission of the Arkham Homeowners' Association is to provide an ancient and decadent community for residents to live out their last days in fear and horror through bleeding-edge technology and slavering focus on needs of the residents, while maintaining property values for all members of the community, living and dead.  We strive to be an affordable and accessible residential solution for any being already possessing the qualities we desire along with the monies we wish to siphon off for our own nefarious purposes.
    In order to better serve the community, the association depends on fees paid by the homeowners.  These fees shall be paid on the 1st of the month, and are considered late after the 5th of the month.
    The association does not accept the following currencies: first-born children, bodily fluids, cryptic utterances, jewels from accursed temples, strange books, or idols carved in stones not of this world.
   
II. A Certain General Rule
    i. That is not dead which can eternal sleep.  

III. Callings Up and Puttings Down
    i.  Raising of dead ancestors from essential salts is absolutely forbidden.
    ii. Do not call up that which ye cannot put down.
    iii. Beheadings and blood-lettings are restricted to Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  Dismemberments and poisonings are restricted to Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Translations shall be on Sundays only.  Faintings and apoplexies have no restrictions. 

IV. Remains, Disposal of
    i. Trash disposal occurs weekly on Friday mornings.  The Association contracts with Pickman's Ghouls.  Only approved trash containers shall be used.  To maintain the unhallowed appearance of our community, containers shall not be set out earlier than 7pm the night before pickup, and must be taken back from the curb by 7pm on pick-up days. 
    ii. Bricking up of insane spouses or other relatives shall follow city building codes. 
    iii. Any infestation of night-gaunts, regressed descendants, or termites shall be reported immediately to the association so that pest-control measures can be taken at the association's leisure.
    iv. Hellhounds must be leashed and curbed.  Owners are responsible for proper disposal of all pet waste.

V. Disturbances and Alarms
     i. Exorcisms, Blasphemies, Chantings, Music of Unearthly Beauty and all similar activities shall not be conducted before 9pm or after 10am to maintain the serenity of our community.
    ii. Debauched revels must obtain permission from the association and must post signs warning residents of impending revelry at least 48 hours in advance of intended revel.  
    iii. In case of abominations or nameless horrors running loose in the neighborhood, a siren will sound.

VI. Conflagrations and Cleansing Bolts of Lightning
     i. Bonfires, banefires, bonefires, witchfires, foxfires, housefires, putrid luminescences, and fireworks of all types shall have on hand at least one fire extinguisher, certified within the last 6 months.  Large conflagrations shall have a representative of the city fire department on hand to supervise. 
     ii. In order to ensure property values, failure to abide by the above regulations will result in a cleansing bolt of lightning ridding our community of your unclean presence.   

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